yungzrai

Of Accommodating & Avoidance

17.4.15 | 10:19 AM | 0 comments

Hello dear readers, if you are reading this, it’s most probably because I sent the link to you cause lets face it, who actually read my blog? Alright anyways, I just ended my second semester.

Hallelujah.

Finally it ended, cause I was barely surviving. I hate this semester, oh from all aspects, for all reasons. From lecturers, assignments, friends, heartache, heartbreaks, emotional stress and basically everything.

But most of all, my patience was tested the hardest. Kesabaran aku dah lah memang tak pernah ada, ini pula diuji-uji.

This semester started pretty okay, I mean like I had friends during that time. We had fun doing stuffs together, and you know being silly and just being us. But one bad news after another just had to happen. With Shaida leaving us, and Eryn’s problematic school performance, and interpersonal backbites. It just couldn’t get any worse.

Ah, and it did became worse. My disease didn’t help me at all this semester. I had soooo many emotional outburst and breakdowns. I was thinking a lot, of what people said to me—of what people might talk about me. My insecurities was tested, my own self was at the verge, my friendship was evaluated. Fuck.

Tears, by tears I shed. I remember once my friend told me a joke, it was so funny the first time. Then he repeated it, I laughed but not that much. Then he told me the same joke again and again, it just got annoying. It got me to thinking, if I don’t laugh at the same joke over and over again. Why did I cry for the same reason over and over again?

I have always had this 6^th sense where I know, I just know that people have been talking shits about me. Funny thing is, they are usually true. I found out my friends were talking about me behind my back. Questioning my friendship/closeness with Akim, and then just assumed that I act the way I am with Akim is because I am gay and I like him.

GAY.

AND FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HIM.

WITH HAKIM R. AZMI

WHAT IN THE NAME OF GREEK GODS.

“Oh, takut terasa”

“No, just taknak sakitkan hati”

“We weren’t sure of it”

Well, you could’ve just asked. I am a drama queen, but for all the right reason. I have never felt betrayed. I can still feel the tickles of the knife you stabbed me with on my spine. I am disgusted. I am disappointed. I am overwhelmed. Yes, I am using present tense because I still feel like this.

I acted fine, and decided to just accommodate because that’s what good friends does. They mengalah, because I appreciate the memories. So yeah, I distanced myself from Akim, because did you heard? Apparently I am homosexual, and in love with my bestfriend.

That frustrates me so much. They all have other individuals that they are comfortable in telling personal information to. Another person that they have penetrated emotionally. You know, the friend that you can tell your stories, deep dark stories to and they reciprocate. Yeah, Akim was THAT friend to me. I never questioned why Dee tells everything Eryn. Why Alyaa tells everything to Kila. Why Hadri is sooooo rapat with Tasha. Did I every ASSUMED that Dee & Alyaa is a lesbian that is madly in love with Eryn or Kila? Did I assumed that Hadri is trying to get into Tasha’s panties? No, because I respect their decisions to be friends with whoever, and to tell whatever to whoever they are comfortable with.

I GUESS NOT EVERYONE THINKS LIKE ME.

I accommodate, and stuff got better, I think? But I miss Akim. The friend who used to text me to ask me about my day, the friend who I could tell what I felt that day--- he’s gone because I had to accommodate and be fake. But, demi nak puas kan hati semua orang, I did what I did.

I just got frustrated. I decided to just fuck everyone off, and be friends with whoever I want to. I talk to Akim again, I text him back and shit. And you know, for a perfect 5 seconds, I thought we were back to normal. Hahaha but no.

Shit just had to happen, TWICE. Because you know what? God just won’t let me rest, and by God I meant the people around me. Trying to play God, and judging me and telling me how to live my life. Fuck no, especially not by sending a long hate text at 7am, about my suspicious attitude with Akim.

Alright, is that how you wanna play? Sure I can play. You know, since that I start to filter people out my life, and start to avoid people I don’t want to be associated with because why would I infuse negativity in me.

And that is mainly the reason why I shut you guys off. I just couldn't be around you guys anymore, because when I am around you guys it's like I can still hear you guys talking shit about me, and judging me and hating me for whatever reason it is.

I am sorry, but I just had to distance myself from you guys for this time being because I couldn't find my happiness anymore in that group. It feels like what I once called my in-group just feels like my out-group now.

I know this is not fair for everyone, but I am responsible for MY happiness, and if I can't find my happiness in that small group of 10 people. Why would I stay?

Because, I want to be happy.

Why can't I be happy?

It's just not fair because I did nothing to you guys, but I feel like I am being attacked on my personal esteem. Ego conflict: when you ignore the real issues and start to attack on personal esteem.

& it's just not fair.

Hanjengs

17.10.14 | 1:24 PM | 0 comments

illest

Salam. Namaste. It has been, what.. forever since my last update? Haha I am sooooooo sorry, but life got its hands on me.

It is now the 2014, waaaaay past my highschool years and guess what? I'm lucky enough to get into one of the prestigious university in Malaysia. Made locally, UiTM Lendu. I'm studying to get myself a diploma in Communication & Mass Media Studies. (to be honest, I still can't remember the full name of my course)

Being around dudes in hostels, toilets and rooms was never a big deal for me. I mean like, I came from a boarding school. However, the idea of not knowing who you will meet is scary as fuck. I even had a list of the kinds of people I don't want as roommates.

No fatties
No smokers
No nerds
If they are nerds, they better be hot
No kpoppers
No drama queens
No faggots

And the list goes on.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions throughout this semester. I met the nicest people, & few stupid and irrelevant fucks. You guys do know I hate people, a lot. So when I said I like them, they actually are significant to me. I can name a few that are significant to me.

Hadri
Achik
Hakim
Dee
Eryn
Shaida
Kila
Qistina
Shally
Alyaa
Ainaa
Tariq
Bobby Iskandar

Ah, that's a lot. Well, Lendu changed me, bit by bit. I don't hate people as often as I was. I don't be mean to them as often as I thought I would.

And why is that?

Because they actually accepted me for me, & that's lovely cause not many can do that. Anyways, the first semester has ended and I would say, I did well in surviving without killing anybody.

One thing I must say for sure,

One of the best things being in the college life is that, you get to ditch your highschool jerk friends, ditch your life and have a restart. Starting off fresh.

Bye, bitches

Lolita

11.9.12 | 5:35 AM | 0 comments

Kiss me in the d-a-r-k night tonight. Kiss me in the p-a-r-k out tonight.

Have you ever felt choked up, so choked that you thought that you were going to die immediately in the insane agonizing pain ? I just had that moment, few seconds ago before I started writing this post. Ha, I was choked because of my singing. I tried to be Mariah Carey way to hard.

Nope, this is not another sad, emotional blogpost cause I had a pretty great day today. A well 180 degree turn from what I was expecting it to be.

Been listening a lot of Lana Del Reys nowadays. Ah, the way she sounds is so perfect. Too bad she's retiring. What a waste of talent.

There's a drama competition that my class participate. Never have I saw so much of togetherness and co-operation amongst our classmates to be honest. Ha, I now feel so blessed to have them. But I hate the girls in my class. Takda semangat nak menang langsung! Semua taknak participate, what the fuck. Luckily the guys are so chill and relax. Hazim has the biggest role, which is Rose, a blind, hot, chick. He have to wear a dress and a Louis Vuitton brown wig and heels. Haa, can you see the commitment ?

I love my work.
X

Menyampah

10.9.12 | 6:34 AM | 0 comments

When it does hurt, it cares

Hello. I feel like updating since my previous post got lots of attention. Ah, the bliss of getting noticed. This doesn't come as often as it should. I am such more settled these days. I feel calm, although I have lots to deal with. From house matters, to school matters, to personal matter. I have many things to deal with, but at some point, I would just sit down and calm my ass down. Today's Monday. Did I just heard people gulping and gasping? Ah, the whole ideology of Monday Blues and how Monday is an awful day is just saddening, pathetic. The day doesn't really affect your whole week. Your attitude, how you handle the days would affect your week, not the first day of the week. Pathetic. Menyampah.

Another thing that really get on nerves is, when people complaint about how English language + writing essays in English is hard. They'd blame the teacher, they'd blame the government, they'd blame everyone. Really? Are you really gonna blame everyone, but yourself? Have you ever just wonder, it might be, just might be your stupid/lazy asses are the reason you are failing the English tests ? I am not that good in English, but I learn how to be perfect. The amount of people who actually reads, surprise the hell out of me. Not a good surprise, a really, really, devastating surprise. Sigh. Pathetic. Menyampah.

I hate to use my blog as a medium for me to rant and talk about my problems, but that seems to be the main point of me having a blog anyway. I hate people. Did anyone knows about that? I hate people. I hate to be around people. I hate meeting people. I hate having a conversation with people. I hate interacting with them. I basically, hate people. I hate them so much. They disgust me. By just watching them breath gets me nausea. I am sorry if you're a person, but I hate making contacts with people. I sound so ridiculous right? Well, I get ridiculed everyday so I don't even care anymore.

Pathetic.
Manyampah.
X