Hello dear readers, if you are reading this, it’s most probably because I sent the link to you cause lets face it, who actually read my blog? Alright anyways, I just ended my second semester.

Hallelujah.

Finally it ended, cause I was barely surviving.  I hate this semester, oh from all aspects, for all reasons. From lecturers, assignments, friends, heartache, heartbreaks, emotional stress and basically everything.

But most of all, my patience was tested the hardest. Kesabaran aku dah lah memang tak pernah ada, ini pula diuji-uji.

This semester started pretty okay, I mean like I had friends during that time. We had fun doing stuffs together, and you know being silly and just being us. But one bad news after another just had to happen. With Shaida leaving us, and Eryn’s problematic school performance, and interpersonal backbites. It just couldn’t get any worse.

Ah, and it did became worse. My disease didn’t help me at all this semester. I had soooo many emotional outburst and breakdowns. I was thinking a lot, of what people said to me—of what people might talk about me. My insecurities was tested, my own self was at the verge, my friendship was evaluated. Fuck.

Tears, by tears I shed. I remember once my friend told me a joke, it was so funny the first time. Then he repeated it, I laughed but not that much. Then he told me the same joke again and again, it just got annoying. It got me to thinking, if I don’t laugh at the same joke over and over again. Why did I cry for the same reason over and over again?

I have always had this 6^th sense where I know, I just know that people have been talking shits about me. Funny thing is, they are usually true. I found out my friends were talking about me behind my back. Questioning my friendship/closeness with Akim, and then just assumed that I act the way I am with Akim is because I am gay and I like him.

GAY.

AND FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HIM.

WITH HAKIM R. AZMI

WHAT IN THE NAME OF GREEK GODS.

Well, you could’ve just asked. I am a drama queen, but for all the right reason. I have never felt betrayed. I can still feel the tickles of the knife you stabbed me with on my spine. I am disgusted. I am disappointed. I am overwhelmed. Yes, I am using present tense because I still feel like this.

I acted fine, and decided to just accommodate because that’s what good friends does. They mengalah, because I appreciate the memories. So yeah, I distanced myself from Akim, because did you heard?  Apparently I am homosexual, and in love with my bestfriend.

That frustrates me so much. They all have other individuals that they are comfortable in telling personal information to. Another person that they have penetrated emotionally. You know, the friend that you can tell your stories, deep dark stories to and they reciprocate. Yeah, Akim was THAT friend to me. I never questioned why Dee tells everything Eryn. Why Alyaa tells everything to Kila. Why Hadri is sooooo rapat with Tasha. Did I every ASSUMED that Dee & Alyaa is a lesbian that is madly in love with Eryn or Kila? Did I assumed that Hadri is trying to get into Tasha’s panties? No, because I respect their decisions to be friends with whoever, and to tell whatever to whoever they are comfortable with.

I GUESS NOT EVERYONE THINKS LIKE ME.

I accommodate, and stuff got better, I think? But I miss Akim. The friend who used to text me to ask me about my day, the friend who I could tell what I felt that day--- he’s gone because I had to accommodate and be fake. But, demi nak puas kan hati semua orang, I did what I did.

I just got frustrated. I decided to just fuck everyone off, and be friends with whoever I want to. I talk to Akim again, I text him back and shit. And you know, for a perfect 5 seconds, I thought we were back to normal. Hahaha but no.

Shit just had to happen, TWICE. Because you know what? God just won’t let me rest, and by God I meant the people around me. Trying to play God, and judging me and telling me how to live my life. Fuck no, especially not by sending a long hate text at 7am, about my suspicious attitude with Akim.

Alright, is that how you wanna play? Sure I can play. You know, since that I start to filter people out my life, and start to avoid people I don’t want to be associated with because why would I infuse negativity in me.

And that is mainly the reason why I shut you guys off. I just couldn't be around you guys anymore, because when I am around you guys it's like I can still hear you guys talking shit about me, and judging me and hating me for whatever reason it is. 

I am sorry, but I just had to distance myself from you guys for this time being because I couldn't find my happiness anymore in that group. It feels like what I once called my in-group just feels like my out-group now.

I know this is not fair for everyone, but I am responsible for MY happiness, and if I can't find my happiness in that small group of 10 people. Why would I stay?

Because, I want to be happy.

Why can't I be happy?

It's just not fair because I did nothing to you guys, but I feel like I am being attacked on my personal esteem. Ego conflict: when you ignore the real issues and start to attack on personal esteem. 

& it's just not fair.