To the left, to the left. Everything that you own, in a box, to the left

 Hello. I have been slacking my fat ass to update this blog. Its not that I have no interest but I don't have anything to talk about. I live in a pretty dull life, so there isn't really any excitement that I got to tell/write here.

I, tho, happened to stumbled across this wonderful picture (the picture above) and it speaks a thousand words to me. This, is, insane, but I actually felt really lonely. Not that I am not used to it, but I felt like this massive rock of emptiness/loneliness just hit me.

So I decided to write about loneliness, emptiness, and how people who is lucky enough to get themselves a partner but then misused it/didn't appreciate it. This is a true story, people.

These past few months was a pretty emotional ride for me. I was taking everything so literal and personal and I would literally cry over some small stuffs -like when my friend make silly jokes about my body. I was so fragile, and sometimes, gullible. I have no one to talk to. I can talk to my friends- but I know, my story would bore them, mean nothing to them, and they'd just ignore me. I ended up, staying up till late, crying, slitting my wrists, and go to school like nothing happened. I was so lonely, I was so empty. I am still lonely, I am still lonely...

Few of my friends were lucky to have someone, a partner. They're so lucky. I was so happy for them. They look so happy. So happy, I feel a little intimidated, a little jealous. A tiny voice behind my head screamed, 'Do you think that you'll be able to feel all the love like they are feeling right now'..

I know that, just thinking about me being able to have someone to love is just surreal. Again, I cried myself pass this issue. I moved on, at least I think I did.

I feel like I am in a paradox. I literally am in a thousand of people everyday, but I feel so alone, I feel so quite, so empty. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, and just try to get pass this day, I mumbled as I walk pass everyone. Sometimes, I know this is a sin, but, sometimes, I don't want to wake up from my sleep. The emptiness is killing me.

Last week, I was told a story about how a girl was raped by his boyfriend. I was not shocked by the story, we all have heard about these kinds of stories. I was also told that the girl & guy was someone I know. And I start to have this thoughts, is true love really does exists ? Or is it just a fantasy told to blur the true definition of love, which is to misused it?

And I start to wonder, and ponder, that maybe, living a life that is love-free isn't actually a bad idea after all. I can prevent heartbreaks, I can prevent all the dramas and fights, I can prevent all the misunderstanding, I can prevent being toyed around, I can prevent to be thrown around like a ragdoll.

X